Out of Stupidity Comes Genius

Yeah, yeah, I know that's not how the saying goes (re: title of this entry), but I had a series of very stupid moments in the kitchen today that led to - well, let's not say genius quite yet - one shining moment of tastiness.

The story about making Oreo truffles started off harmless enough. Around Christmas, a photographer friend sent me homemade Oreo truffles as a thank-you gift for giving her a list of places to shoot in Atlanta (that's "shoot" in the photographer sense, not in the put-a-cap-in-your-bum sense). They are lovely little things - crushed Oreos and cream cheese formed into balls and dipped into melted white chocolate. My husband and I inhaled them, and I begged my friend for the recipe. In her email, she modestly said, "I don't know if you'll think they're so great once you know how easy they are to make."

Ahem.

This is what brings me to my entry today, with a very valuable lesson learned - just because your friend (and according to the reviews for the same recipe on AllRecipes.com, 300-plus other people...) can make something, doesn't mean you can.

The first part was easy - blitz a package of Oreos in the food processor with a package of softened cream cheese, form into balls and chill for 15-20 minutes. Then melt white chocolate chips over a double boiler and dip the balls into the melted chocolate with a toothpick. Seems easy enough, right?

Well, perhaps for the candy-making inclined. Today I learned I do not fall into this elite group of people.

To make things even easier on myself (in hindsight, HA!), I made the first part the week before and froze them, thinking all I had to do today was melt the chocolate and dip them into it. I melted the chocolate as directed, but it dried out quickly, forming these little hard lumps instead of the smooth, glossy chocolate of my dreams. I added a little evaporated milk to it in lieu of cream, something I have seen on countless cooking shows, which made the situation just gross-looking: a beige, sticky mess with what looked like white chocolate boulders in it. I tried dipping the truffles into this unappetizing mess anyway. The chocolate slid right off the truffle and pooled around the bottom when I set them on parchment paper. At that point I emailed my friend who gave me the recipe, and she advised me to let the chocolate cool some before I tried dipping them. Wrong. The chocolate then was so thick that it pulled some of the Oreo part into the mix.

At this point, I went back to the grocery store and purchased two more bags of white chocolate chips. At home again, I started over. Perfection! Two perfectly dipped, wonderfully appetizing truffles. Then the chocolate dried out again. Sigh. After a quick Google search for why this was happening (my double boiler leaked a DROP of water into this oh-so-sensitive chocolate), the remedy was to add a tablespoon and a half of vegetable oil for every four ounces of chocolate. This meant I had nine tablespoons of oil to add. When the chocolate was melted again, it was still way too thick to stay on the truffles. (And I also sort of wanted to burn my kitchen down at this point, or at least pitch a fit.)

I should probably interject that I was making these truffles for an engagement party I'm helping host tonight, and they had to be good. In my circle, I'm known for hosting, baking and cooking, so God forbid Suzy KitchenAid show up to this party with totally unappetizing food.

I don't know if it was an act of desperation or just wanting to see the end of these ill-fated truffles, but on a whim I dumped all of the undipped truffles and dipped ones into my food processor with a softened half-block of cream cheese that I had in the fridge, whirred it around and... well, this is the dessert that came out of it. It's not as cute or kitschy as truffles, but by God, it is delicious.

Now I'm exhausted. I think it's all the brain cells I used up while making this. I suppose it happens to all geniuses...

Oreo Truffle Bars
Ingredients:
* 1 16-oz. package Oreos or cream-filled chocolate cookies
* 1 tablespoon brewed coffee (optional)
* 2 8-oz. packages cream cheese, softened
* 2 packages white chocolate chips (I prefer Ghirardelli, melted
* 1 bar good-quality dark chocolate, melted

Directions:
Spray a 9x13 baking dish with cooking spray. In a food processor, grind the Oreos until they're small crumbs. Add two packages softened cream cheese and coffee if using and pulse until the mixture forms a dough. Spread the mixture out in the baking dish. In a microwave-safe bowl at 20-second intervals, melt the white chocolate chips and spread over the Oreo mixture. In a separate bowl, melt the dark chocolate and drizzle over with a spoon. Chill for two hours, cut into small bars (it's quite rich) and serve.

Better Than Anything in a Box (Except Diamonds)

A few months ago, one of my Facebook friends posted, "Nothing beats Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner sometimes!" and it prompted a fury of agreeing comments from all of her friends.

Er, I stand to disagree - the one major dish that beats Kraft macaroni and cheese (or macaroni 'n cheese, I should say) is real, homemade macaroni and cheese. Y'all agree?

I'm not totally against processed foods for convenience or even for familiarity's sake; after all, most recipes I loved while growing up began as a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. I don't make a habit of using these ingredients, mostly because it's often cheaper to make them at home.

I don't know why people don't make food at home anymore, or why they don't do it more often. It is so. much. better. than its storebought counterpart.

It's true for mac 'n cheese, and it's true for chocolate pudding. This homemade chocolate pudding comes together in 10 minutes on the stovetop, and even though the directions say to eat it cold, I prefer to let it sit in the fridge only until it cools to room temperature, or I eat it warm for the ultimate delicious, easy and fast comfort dessert. It's creamy, light and indulgent. In a word, it's perfect.

Chocolate Pudding
Ingredients:
* 2 tablespoons sugar
* 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup good-quality chocolate milk, 2% or whole
* 1 egg yolk, lightly beaten
* 1 1/2 teaspoons butter
* 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2 tablespoons chocolate chips, optional

Directions:
In a small saucepan, combine the sugar, flour and salt. Gradually stir in chocolate milk. Cook and stir over medium heat until thickened and bubbly. Reduce heat; cook and stir 2 minutes longer. Remove from the heat.

Stir a small amount of hot filling into egg yolk; return all to the pan, stirring constantly. Bring to a gentle boil; cook and stir 1 minute longer. Remove from the heat. Gently stir in butter and vanilla.

Cool for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Transfer to dessert dishes and sprinkle with chocolate chips. Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour. Serves 2.

Photo Credit: iStockPhoto:sallyjshintaffer

Say it with something homemade, even if it's a ski slope

I am so glad I didn't inherit my mother's cake-baking genes. This woman can make homemade bread with a smell so wonderful a line forms around the block (I mean that figuratively - she lives on a lake so there is no "block"), grow an enviable organic garden and tell you what region most coffees comes from upon tasting them, but when it comes to making cakes, she is all thumbs - er, ski slopes.

I don't know how she does it, but across multiple homes, ovens, cake pans and recipes, each homemade cake she attempts is sloped on one end. The woman can even do it with brownies.

I've watched her from start to finish before, just to see if she kind of, you know, slams the pan into the oven with greater force than any other dish, but no, she's just talented at making really tasty cakes that have a whole lot of batter on one side and not so much on the other.

Once, she produced a cake so diagonal that she covered it in green icing, poked a hole in one end and added a flag made from a toothpick in front of the hole. "It's a putting green!" she exclaimed proudly upon presenting the cake to my stepfather for his birthday. He just shook his head. He knows better than that.

My cakes do not turn out this way, thank goodness. But just in case yours usually do - or if you always resort to boxed cake mixes and canned frostings (that's "icing" to us Southerners), give this homemade yellow cake and chocolate frosting a go. If you have an electric mixer, from start to finish this will only take you an hour, which is about the same length of time a boxed mix will take. Believe me, you can tell the difference between a homemade one and a store-bought one or mix, especially on the second day, when this golden cake becomes even moister. (Is that a word?)

You don't have to drag out the layer cake pans if you're making this for someone special: a sheet cake or cupcakes will be just as tasty. And yes, it does call for butter-flavored shortening, but don't try to substitute an equal shortening-for-butter ratio. Shortening is 100 percent fat, and butter is not, so you will need to look up the substitution method --- though I highly recommend using the shortening. When in doubt, full fat is best.


Yellow Layer Cake
Ingredients:
- 3/4 cup butter flavored shortening
- 2 cups sugar
- 1 cup plain flour
- 1 cup self-rising flour
- 5 eggs
- 1 cup milk
- 1 T. vanilla flavoring

Directions:
Cream shortening and sugar until light and fluffy. Sift together plain and self-rising flour and set aside. Add eggs to sugar mixture and mix well. Add flour and milk alternately. Add vanilla. Pour into a greased and floured 9x13 cake pan, three 8- or 9-inch round cake pans or into a muffin tin with cupcake liners. Bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes.


Perfect Chocolate Frosting
Ingredients:
- 1 6-ounce package semi-sweet chocolate morsels
- 1/2 cup half and half
- 3/4 cup butter
- 2 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted

Directions:
Combine chocolate morsels, half and half and butter in a saucepan; cook over medium heat, stirring until chocolate melts. Remove from heat, add confectioners' sugar and mix well. Set saucepan in ice or ice water (important) and beat until frosting holds its shape and loses its gloss. Add a few drops of half and half if need to make spreading consistency. Note: This frosting needs to cool completely, so you cannot "hurry" it. Keep beating until it is glossy.